the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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