I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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