1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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