We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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