Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You're a waste of cheezeits
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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