I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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