I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
