I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
