Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
