awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
