when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
