Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
