My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
