Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
