A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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