Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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