and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
