I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Randomize
