The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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