I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
