So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
