I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
