Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
