When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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