Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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