Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
