Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
