apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
