I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
