Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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