Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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