I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
