I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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