I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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