I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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