i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
