so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
