R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
