Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
