We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
