After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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