Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
