he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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