I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
