Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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