do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
