when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
