I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
