look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
