Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
