He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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