glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Congratulations! We have a period
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
