obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
