I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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