Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
