I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
