Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
