ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
